i still miss you everytime i open my eyes.
my heart skips a beat everytime a guy who looks like you from a glance walks by.
i cry whenever i tell myself you dont want me anymore.
the doctor told me i am under too much stress.
i look at everything around me and they remind me of you.
everything inside of me reminds me of you too.
but it is also because now i finally understood.
that you really loved me alot when you do.
and you really dont want me anymore when you said so.
i blame myself for not doing well enough for you to want my company by your side anymore.
yet she is the one crying now
"I'm sure there's a lot of guys out there who care for you and just waiting for you to give them a chance to be better than what u think is best for you now"
but i love the one who doesnt want me anymore.
i foresee the coming of two of the most unproductive and inefficient months of my 25 years of life.
i scoured the internet looking for shoplists of all my favourite fashion brands, checked out the prohibited items abroad planes flying from Narita airport, confirmed the route, timing, and price of the airport limousine bus that will take one to Shinjuku Washington Hotel, visited Books Kinokuniya to purchase my first Kera magazine of the year 2008 because it has a map of Takeshitadori and Omotesando... all these done when i am supposed to be working in the office.
i dont think this can go on for 2 months. i could get myself sacked before i claim my pay for september 08. and the fact that i need every single cent that is thrown my way from now till i fly back means i need to get my priorities right.
but it is so hard to put it out of my head... the fact that i will be on my own this far away from home on a day where most people would want to throw a party for themselves.
people tell me they dont get me. i tell them i do and that they dont have to worry.
i have worked hard and is still trying hard to make this trip come by. but a tiresome ache comes to my heart when i am alone and thinking evermore about this trip.
i cannot point out why...
"i am poor now"
this is what i made myself out to be.
so why the unhappiness?
its finally confirmed.
there are two and a half months worth of idling time before it happens and i still tell the world this:
"there's no turning back now"
this year i will wake up where my heart belongs on my birthday
the rock is back.
and with it the fandom of a rebellious teenage girl. sounds pretty wrong, late, and kinda stepping backwards, but here i am... no longer a lolita but a punk girl once again.
it feels good to be able to walk the streets without feeling the obligation to play nice or talk sweet. (BIG EVIL SMIRK*)
. . . wait. it just occured to me that lolita is a bigger kind of step-backwards for me given my age.
nevermind. i still like and have lolita fashion. but this pirate needs a holiday from cleaned and pressed clothes, and the rockstar within needs to smoke.
to prove the point and severe (pun intended) all ties with frilly lolita clothes for a period of 3 months before an epic trip, i have opted for extensive hair loss.
besties including the stupid baka were telling me to not gamble with my head (ok.... image.) but after months of deliberation i finally went ahead (another pun) and snipped it all.
i sincerely like the outcome. and everytime i look myself in the mirror, i ask myself if i really want to grow everything back in 3 months time and dress like a little girl again.
maybe i should keep this hair (the lack of it) and wear a wig when necessary instead.
you cannot have the best of both worlds in one life.
but you can spam endless repeats of the best vk rock music on your mp4 player.
"dont touch any part of this body that isnt yours. THAT INCLUDES MY HAIR"
it feels orgasmic to be able to tell people with your most honest feelings...
to FUCK OFF.
